🌿 What Yagé (Ayahuasca) showed me about living in Integrity 🌿
For those of you who know me a little, it’s no secret that I love to journey with 🌿 sacred plant medicines 🌿 -some of them with psychedelic effects- in a ceremonial setting. Over the last 5 years, I have been very fortunate to attend a number of Ayahuasca & Yagé ceremonies (Yagé is similar to Ayahuasca- it uses a different type of vine and is usually made with different prayers. For an article with info on the working of these medicines- click this link).
⚡️ The Yagé ceremonies have played a major part in my personal healing. With each ceremony, I am both reminded of the Truth of our essential nature (which is that we are all one with Spirit, Source, God/Goddess)- and I’m shown where in my personal life I am still living out of alignment with that Truth. This is where I need to direct my inner work.
❤️ This weekend, I attended another ceremony. And -as part of my integration- I’d like to share my experience. Because if we are all one in essence, when one of us heals, all of us heal. And by sharing our experiences, we create the opportunity to take the patterns and beliefs that need healing out of our systems and into the light. So we can look at them from a distance and recognize them as just a pattern or belief, instead of an integral part of our being. And then we get to choose to transform them into patterns and beliefs that serve us, rather than throw us off.
💜 May this story be of use to you- in whatever shape or form.
⚡️ The days leading up to the ceremony, I had been experiencing a dip in my motivation and energy. More than usual, I noticed thoughts of self-doubt coming up in my mind. “You’re a fraud”, “Your entire business is going to crumble down”, “You won’t be able to hold all this”. As much as I could, I tried to just notice them come and go without judgement. However, I was truly surprised to see so many appear all of a sudden. It had been a long time since I experienced thoughts like this in this intensity. In addition, my Solar Plexus area -which is the energy center that governs how we take action in the world- also felt restricted.
🐍 I took all of this into the ceremony, with the intention to see what I needed to see. And the Medicine helped me to see- very effectively :)
🤔 A little ways into the ceremony, I was shown a moment I recently experienced with a client. She and I were in a session, and we were talking about the social and energetic dynamics of everything that is happening in the world right now. She shared her perspective which I found very, very refreshing. Because I feel very strongly about appropriately rewarding people (especially women) for the value they bring, I jokingly said that I should be paying HER for the session. And because Money Mindset and being open to receive all the good that comes your way is one of the key topics we work on in the coaching program, she jokingly accepted. So I transferred her some money with a big smile on my face. I genuinely thought I had done something that was in alignment with myself.
🤯 But what the medicine showed me was that, in this act, there were also other dynamics at play. There was a hidden agenda. An undercurrent that I had not noticed, that came to the surface to be seen. In that particular session with my client, I had actually felt like I could not offer her the transformational healing or shift in experience that often occurs in my sessions with clients. And a part of me felt inadequate. A part of me felt like I was not enough. That I was not doing enough. Not achieving enough. Not creating enough value. And that I needed to compensate for my inadequacy…
😱 And by doing that, I had subconsciously violated the sacred agreement between coach and client. I had subconsciously given her the message that I could not adequately hold the space for her, nor could I hold my value as a coach.
😢 Phew. Big vulnerability.
😣 And underneath that realization, I felt the excruciating pain that I had caused myself by internalizing the belief that I’m not enough if I just am being myself- and that I need to always overachieve and compensate in order to be acceptable. I actually felt it in my body and energy system- like was a big tear in the energy in my Solar Plexus area that prevented me from fully stepping into the work I’m here to do. It was rough around the edges and hurt A LOT.
🥺 Throughout the rest of the ceremony, I tended to that pain. I was taken back to the moment it first arose- I saw myself as a baby, drinking milk from my mother’s breast and feeling like I had to compensate and be extra endearing to her in order to be fully loved and accepted. Throughout my life, this belief had made itself comfortable within my subconscious mind and influenced my experience of Life. It led me to believe I always had to give something extra in order to be enough and accepted.
🤔 Interestingly, it’s not all bad. This belief has also given me a lot of beautiful experiences. In my need for compensation, I became an overachiever. Which helped me to get excellent results and exciting opportunities for career and growth. But until now, I had never realized the true cost, and the way I was hurting myself by hanging on to that belief.
🦄 Because the Truth is: if we’re all part of Spirit, Source, God/Goddess- we are enough as we are, no matter what. Everything that is not in integrity with that Truth, prevents us from living our fullest, truest and most beautiful lives. And that is the thing that hurts us the most.
🧡The beautiful thing about pain is that, when we can feel it without attaching a story to it, it becomes sweet. When we can truly just sit with the pain and accompany it, witness it, and listen to what it has to say- it becomes our teacher. And opportunities for healing arise.
😌 As the Medicine carriers wisely spoke: Pain is our teacher, and Suffering is just a distraction from the work we need to do.
🙇♀️ The pain kept being present throughout the ceremony and is still present in my experience today, four days later. But now, it’s a beautiful reminder of the healing that is taking place, instead of something painful to run or hide from. And sharing this story with you is part of my healing, so thank you for witnessing this.
🦜 My takeaway from this experience is the realization that, as a human being, I am nothing more and nothing less than a piece of God. And everything that is not in integrity with that Truth, is an act of violence towards my true nature. Especially the false humbleness that led me to believe that others are more important than myself. The Truth is that we are all equally important. That all experiences are sacred. And that everyone is always more than enough. And that every experience -no matter how dark- is in service to Spirit.
🌿 All is forgiven when you forgive yourself 🌿
💕 I’m infinitely grateful for the medicine carriers who have been the guardians of this wisdom for generations and are now so generously sharing it with the world. I’m so grateful to be given this opportunity to look into myself, see and heal. And I truly feel that THIS -recognizing our blind spots, taking responsibility for our wounds and shadows, healing ourselves, and getting to know our Soul Essence- is THE most important work that we as humans have to do in order to create the peaceful, abundant and miraculous New World that we want to live in.
🧡 When one of us heals, we all heal 🧡
🦜 PS because of privacy reasons I’m deliberately not sharing any specifics about the ceremony and the medicine carriers in this post. Please send me a private message if you want more information.